EDAW - My biggest battle

Considering that it’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week - I’ve felt really compelled to share the following with you.

It’s something I feel quite embarrassed about and extremely vulnerable sharing because it’s something I didn’t really open up about but it’s not something I wish attention for. It’s something I’m sharing with you because I feel I need to show to you that I haven’t got it all sussed – that I am not all sorted – it’s a journey and not one that we have to go alone.

Basically: I have had (and still do on the occasion) a massive struggle with my weight. Growing up I was always the super annoying type who could eat 8 meals a day and not look the slightest bit different. It was obviously too good to be true dammit!

My weight was never something that bothered me much, I went to the gym on the odd occasion (with mum of course), and ate normally (with the usual pig-out session several times a week).

However, when I went away I found my body trying to adjust to a new diet and to a distinct lack of exercise. It didn’t bother me too much at first until the dreaded day when I discovered that some of my clothes no longer fitted…

I entered into a period of time when weight dominated my thoughts. It dominated everything.

I entered into a period of time when comparison dominated my thoughts – when how much and when I exercised dominated my thoughts – and when how much and what I ate dominated my thoughts. What I ate controlled me. But it still didn’t stop me eating (I flipping love food too much!). No matter whether someone told me I was ‘slim’ – it didn’t matter. In my head I obviously wasn’t slim because I didn’t look like that girl, my jeans didn’t fit as well as before, and my leather skirt wouldn’t zip up.

I suddenly felt surrounded my slim, beautiful models with thigh-gaps and toned stomachs and felt deep envy, frustration and pain in the pit of my stomach. Comparison robs joy. My brain was constantly assessing how much I ate against how much I could exercise that day – it dominated everything. I obsessed over it. It was exhausting.

An Idol; anything you draw your strength from or give your strength to...its how you spend yourself.

My weight was my idol.

It’s something I feel I now see the end of. My faith has been a considerable factor in the healing process. On a more practical note, the combination of exercising regularly and eating normally (a lifestyle I absolutely love!) is also what has helped me. I no longer let my weight control me. It no longer holds its power over me.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" (‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭25‬ NIV)

I know now that my weight doesn’t affect my desirability, and I know that my weight doesn’t define me, it doesn’t control me. I know I am worth more than how I look. And it’s my prayer that you will truly know that too.

Please if you feel this way - tell someone. Or tell me. Let's journey it together!

I haven’t got it all sussed. I’m still on a journey – we all are!

https://www.b-eat.co.uk/support-us/eating-disorder-awareness-week?gclid=CjwKEAiAo7C2BRDgqODGq5r38DsSJAAv7dTPSt_ut1sB2mLR6y4clq1dM7W9H_7gY2ivgma3JZR-rxoCBPHw_wcB

I’ll keep you posted.

Vulnerability

Now don’t get me wrong; social media is great. However, naturally we have the tendency to use it as a showcase for the great stuff that is going on in our lives. It’s a place where accolades and achievements are shared, dressing up to look our best and nights out with friends are exposed and the highlights of travel adventures are boasted. Though there’s nothing wrong with these things – we have to be aware that we’re building a culture that hides behind the mask of social media.

Something that’s been challenging yet encouraging to me recently is the power in our vulnerability.

We live in a vulnerable world thus in-turn we numb vulnerability. We selectively numb certain emotions (such as fear, sadness, shame); but when we do, we numb everything (joy, love, peace). It’s a mask we wear to depict perfection.

Let’s break through this mask. Let’s wear a cloak of vulnerability. Let’s be authentic. Let’s be REAL.

Let’s have the courage to be imperfect. Let’s let go of who we think we should be, to be who we truly are and stop trying to live up to this ideal of perfection in a broken world. No one is perfect and everyone is wired for struggle, but we are worthy of love and belonging.  Let’s have courage in owning who we are and actually LOVING that.

The beauty of who you really are shines through in your brokenness.

Vulnerability is not weakness.

Brene Brown has done heaps of research into vulnerability and found that the ‘whole-hearted’ live in vulnerability which makes them feel embraced, beautiful, necessary. This vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, love and worth.

Vulnerability is at the core to transformation.

Let’s create a shift in the cultural norms.

Stepping out in vulnerability is pretty petrifying – standing up in Church and telling part of my story (oh and for the online download world) made me feel incredibly vulnerable, it’s allowing ourselves to be truly deeply seen, it’s owning who we truly are. We have to break the patterns of avoiding being truly seen for fear of how we will be received.

So I am going to pursue vulnerability. I am going to try to be openly broken, authentic and real in the fallen world that we live in. Because, through this choice to be vulnerable I have faith that God will show his almighty, powerful, healing strength; and it’s all about his glory.

Hold me accountable!

I’ll keep you posted.