EDAW - My biggest battle

Considering that it’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week - I’ve felt really compelled to share the following with you.

It’s something I feel quite embarrassed about and extremely vulnerable sharing because it’s something I didn’t really open up about but it’s not something I wish attention for. It’s something I’m sharing with you because I feel I need to show to you that I haven’t got it all sussed – that I am not all sorted – it’s a journey and not one that we have to go alone.

Basically: I have had (and still do on the occasion) a massive struggle with my weight. Growing up I was always the super annoying type who could eat 8 meals a day and not look the slightest bit different. It was obviously too good to be true dammit!

My weight was never something that bothered me much, I went to the gym on the odd occasion (with mum of course), and ate normally (with the usual pig-out session several times a week).

However, when I went away I found my body trying to adjust to a new diet and to a distinct lack of exercise. It didn’t bother me too much at first until the dreaded day when I discovered that some of my clothes no longer fitted…

I entered into a period of time when weight dominated my thoughts. It dominated everything.

I entered into a period of time when comparison dominated my thoughts – when how much and when I exercised dominated my thoughts – and when how much and what I ate dominated my thoughts. What I ate controlled me. But it still didn’t stop me eating (I flipping love food too much!). No matter whether someone told me I was ‘slim’ – it didn’t matter. In my head I obviously wasn’t slim because I didn’t look like that girl, my jeans didn’t fit as well as before, and my leather skirt wouldn’t zip up.

I suddenly felt surrounded my slim, beautiful models with thigh-gaps and toned stomachs and felt deep envy, frustration and pain in the pit of my stomach. Comparison robs joy. My brain was constantly assessing how much I ate against how much I could exercise that day – it dominated everything. I obsessed over it. It was exhausting.

An Idol; anything you draw your strength from or give your strength to...its how you spend yourself.

My weight was my idol.

It’s something I feel I now see the end of. My faith has been a considerable factor in the healing process. On a more practical note, the combination of exercising regularly and eating normally (a lifestyle I absolutely love!) is also what has helped me. I no longer let my weight control me. It no longer holds its power over me.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" (‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭25‬ NIV)

I know now that my weight doesn’t affect my desirability, and I know that my weight doesn’t define me, it doesn’t control me. I know I am worth more than how I look. And it’s my prayer that you will truly know that too.

Please if you feel this way - tell someone. Or tell me. Let's journey it together!

I haven’t got it all sussed. I’m still on a journey – we all are!

https://www.b-eat.co.uk/support-us/eating-disorder-awareness-week?gclid=CjwKEAiAo7C2BRDgqODGq5r38DsSJAAv7dTPSt_ut1sB2mLR6y4clq1dM7W9H_7gY2ivgma3JZR-rxoCBPHw_wcB

I’ll keep you posted.